Simple Apprehensions
by riarlies
Summary: He had finally seen both sides of her notebook. - riley/charlie


Charlie Gardner: known for a smile that took up half his face, a weird little accent always followed with a laugh, excessive charm, and most importantly, his ridiculously affectionate gestures that could win any girl over. At least, almost any girl. If he wasn't so hopeful, Gardner would have thrown out the idea of a date with anyone for the matter into the trash and learned ways to move on from slight rejection. The thing is, this time, he was never really rejected. In his mind, balloons, flowers, music, Yogi on skates, a banner, and a stunning display of verbal acuity would be enough to make any girl fall right into his arms; oddly enough, of all the girls he could've done it for, he fell for the girl whose emotional feelings were a lot more than skin deep. Riley Matthews, a tall, brown eyed, eccentric ball of light of whom he felt warmth by only the thought of with locker number 47 (he was 49) was a constant yet beautiful chaos in his own mind. Almost every morning, he was greeted with a quiet hello, the kindest smile, a story about the people she loved that she only she could tell with such vigor, and goodbye-d by a whisk of her brown curls in his face while she glided down the hallway, every footstep seeming like an unspoken rhythm. Secretly, her laugh powered a will and a courage inside of him because whether people realize it or not, Charlie's charm isn't as much as a facade but a cover for his anxiety - the stuttering, the shaking, the lack of confidence; something he had struggled with since he was too young to remember. Regardlessly, his anxiety was off the charts whenever he spoke to her.

With Riley, Charlie was perpetually in limbo.

. . .

His favorite memories with her were the days when she asked him to help her with her books or to walk her to class - because Maya had a meeting with the Gym teacher for anything along the lines of skipping PE to "pinning Lucas to the ground in fits of rage". Sometimes, she'd just walk with him to continue their conversations. Whatever it was, he was grateful. Riley would talk - and talk, and talk and only in the best way possible. Charlie was a listener, he was an actor of his emotions, and he most certainly was not a constant storyteller. The best his words can do come from comfortableness and a whip of his charm that was only a natural coming. Sometimes, she'd doubt herself and try to let him say something, but his mouth was too quick for his mind. He'd stutter, his face would get red in the rush to find something to say, and his heart would beat faster than a bassline; he was a listener with content; Riley noticed, and she'd keep on going. He could listen to her for hours, it was his favorite thing to do. Whenever she had to go, her stories would start being rushed and she always laughed a goodbye to him as they left each other. No matter how many times she smiled at him, he always faltered to embarrassment; his infatuation would get the best of him and he constantly found himself thinking about what he could have said, could've done, could've not said, and anything in between just to make himself feel better.

Then, the day came. He had noticed Riley was a lot more… morose. Aside from wearing complete black and going by "Morotia", he assumed she was just working to help fix someone in the extreme lengths she was always willing to go to. At his locker, she said something along the lines of, " _Why must we believe we 'live' when in the end, we are constantly walking the plank… of death._ " It took him everything inside of him not to laugh, but when he opened to page 57 of the Yearbook, he knew understood. Riley's feelings for Lucas were undeniable, and Charlie has always understood that. He knew that Lucas was on her mind while she was the only thought on his own. It was an unfair Hell he had no control over; an unrequited silence that could never break barriers. But he wasn't bitter; he knew that the same way he couldn't stop his feelings for Riley, she couldn't stop hers for Lucas. The yearbook, her reaction, knowing that Lucas wasn't planning on making any good move for semi-formal - it seemed like all the signs were there. Just like its evil twin Bad, Good Luck always comes in three's.

 **TWENTY-NINE HOURS BEFORE:**

 _DOUBT_ _: The feeling of constant question and uncertainty to the hopes and ideas one may hold or plan for the future._

Charlie came into school early. He had planned to meet Mr. Matthews about an extension for his project because he was, only rarely, a Class Act Procrastinator. Frankly, it was easier than he thought it'd be. Cory, being the complete emotional sucker he is, gave him the weekend to finish. In relief, he went to his locker to pretend like he was doing something until he had to go to his first period class, but as he looked up from his feet, all he needed to see were the brown curls that fell on her shoulder like the rays of sun fall between the leaves of an open tree; he heard the same little hum she sang to herself every time she wasn't with Maya. As great as it would've been just to have walked away and pretended like he didn't see her, English was his first period, and he needed to grab his books. _Be cool. Be suave. Silent's always a good idea - she won't think too much, maybe I'll get to casually look at her smile to herself for a second, but just a glance._ Charlie held his breath as he quietly walked behind her and opened his locker. As black as he thought his shadow was, Riley immediately noticed him.

"Charlie! There you are," Riley's voice ringed in his ears as he looked up from his feet to look at her. She looked beautiful - dressed in a purple sundress that brought out the hazel in her eyes. Smiling to himself, he let her continue. "I actually had a question about the history project cause I'm too embarrassed to ask my dad for help," she smiled a soft, morning glow; her eyes as wide and hopeful as usual.

Undeniably embarrassed that he'd have to admit that he needed extra time, he swallowed his pride and felt an anxiety in his chest begin to build again. A small tightness, a closing in his throat, a heatness of red on his face. "Oh, well, I actually needed an extension - yeah, I - well, it's not really my fault, but sometimes, yeah - life gets crazy. Not - not bad crazy, just couldn't get to it -" his voice trailed off. _Smooth._

Riley had raised her eyebrows and looked a little more confused that happy, but as they both shared silence, she giggled slightly, a sound that danced in his ears while he he saw her smile widen. _He could breathe again_ \- She didn't think he was insane. "That's fine. I'm sure Farkle will know more than enough to help me out."

Charlie smiled back, not really ready to say anything to her. Usually, he'd make up some excuse so that he could fade into the sea of students and go to some random classroom to look like he wasn't just trying to escape the anxiety he had. Then again, it was only 7:45 in the morning. There was no crowd for him to fall into just yet, and he realized that this would be his only chance to talk to her today. His mind was black, but still rushed to find things to say. "Usually Maya's with you, and as adamant about her hatred for school as she is, I'm not used to seeing you two walk into the same building alone."

As smoothly as those words came out, he immediately regretted them because he had to watch the painful transition from normal, happy, hopeful Riley to bashful, timid, won't-look-you-in-the-eyes Riley. "Yeah, I kind of just went in with my dad today," she was speaking softly; her eyes trailed away as she shook her head slightly and sighed, "We've had a weird week. Didn't wanna make it any weirder."

Before Charlie could say anything, she threw her yellow notebook in front of him. Hesitantly and admittedly confused, he took it from her hands and raised his eyebrows. The front of it was covered in a variety of colors that said " _Riley 3's Lucas 4Ever."_ He felt his heart drop. "Riley, look, everyone here knows that you and Lu-" he was cut off by a slightly upset moan as she flipped her notebook. " _Riley and Lucas we're just friends_." Suddenly, his heart was out of his stomach, but he knew that Riley couldn't know that. Raising his eyebrows, he shook his head and looked back up at Riley. "Ri," he began with a nickname - usually he'd feel like it was risky, but a new wave of comfort fell over him. "This isn't anything to worry about. I don't really know why the abrupt change from front to back exists, but I know that it's just some miscommunication," _\- what was he even saying?_ \- "Look, everything will work out for you the way it's supposed to. You're too good to let a notebook determine what you're feeling. Don't overthink it, just let things happen okay? Semi-formal's still a day away. Sometimes last minute can be kind of romantic."

With that last line, Riley looked back up with a blushing smile. "Yeah," she began, "only sometimes, though." She laughed a little harder than she should've, but he didn't mind. "Thanks, Charlie - who were you planning on taking to semi-formal anyways?"

"I don't really know if I can go," Lies. He watched as Riley looked upset in his favor, "Don't worry about me, though, I have it all figured out."

"C'mon, you have to go. It's not a party if Charlie Gardner isn't there!" He knew she was exaggerating, but he appreciated her effort. With that, she was whisked away by Darby who was rambling about something he didn't care much to pay attention to. Silently and alone, Charlie felt a boost of confidence. Happily with the smallest and shyest smirk on his face, he skipped off to English, completely forgetting what doubt had even felt like.

 **FOUR MINUTES BEFORE**

 _APPREHENSION_ _: The anticipation of adversary; anxiety that leads to doubtful misfortune._

The only thing running through his mind was the morass thought of election day. When Riley had lost, he planned on sneaking up to her after everyone left and offering to walk her back to her locker. He wanted to comfort her, he wanted to talk to her, he wanted to see her happy. But as he walked back into the lobby, and as he saw a goddamn white fucking horse, he knew it would've been best to just sulk away. Since that day, this proposal had just been sitting at the bottom of his chest - so cumbersome, so eager, so fickle. Now that it was actually here, a rush of anxieties filled him as he breathed a persona of personal charm. This is what he wanted - this is what he promised to pay Yogi for and what he scraped his knees for after realizing that rollerskates weren't as easy to ride as they looked. This is what he'd been waiting over ten months for - over a year for. Just a few simple words in a grand gesture looking for one answer.

He couldn't see her reaction so far and it killed him; weirdly, he heard Maya's amazingly accurate announcements from down the hall. Maybe he wasn't as unpredictable as he thought, or maybe telling Darby about the plan in homeroom wasn't his best decision either. He watched as his lab partner pulled the string to drop the banner, and after taking an appropriate amount of deep breaths, he could only hope for the best from there on out.

It was immediate - "Yes! Yes! I would love to go to semi-formal with you!" The excitement in her voice hit him like a burst of light. He didn't need to convince her, she was already convinced. Well - convinced that he was Lucas, but Charlie hadn't realized that yet.

A burst of light, a smile like a lighthouse - he stuttered at first, but felt her warmth and regained confidence. Surprisingly, she walked away - Charlie couldn't see it. He couldn't see the loss from her, he didn't see his mistake; he was too overjoyed to realize who she thought he was. He sat next to her as she was silent. _Was she surprised? Was she overwhelmed? Was this too public? Did I do something wrong?_ All flooded his mind as she didn't say anything - he spoke to fill the fear; but when she went up to Maya, he knew it wasn't good.

"I say you give me a chance," he smiled at her shyly. He felt chaos inside of him as she stared blankly. For every second that neither of them talked, he felt her eyes penetrate the barrier between his charm and his fear; he knew he couldn't keep his cool forever. There was no sign of hope in her eyes, but he didn't want to just let her go. Almost a day to the dance and Lucas hadn't asked her - this had to be a sign, this was his good luck - right? But the more and more she spoke and came up with lies, the more and more he realized that his chances were bleak. She was quieting down, making up stories, he was feeling too anxious to talk, and Maya was, oddly enough, narrating the whole thing before them.

"My mom, my other parent, that I was talking about?" He interceded a nervous and upset _'Okay?'_ as she paused. Everything was falling to pieces - he threw himself out for someone who couldn't keep a straight lie. "She won't be home that night so I promised that I'd babysit my little brother, Auggie, because no one had asked me to the semi-formal."

And then He was there like a shadow. Charlie knew that it was all turned to dust, and he was out $30 from Yogi. He was ready to walk away - sulk into the crowd again, but as he turned around, he felt a courage fill in the anxious void inside him. "But before I go," he began staring with a vigor at Lucas, "I want you both to know that I don't regret asking her. I did it because I know you're the type of person to help your parents out." He began to feel an anger - at himself, at Lucas - build, but it was gone as soon as he saw Riley so timidly try not to look him in the eyes.

Lucas was okay to Charlie. They sat together in Algebra, they nodded to each other in the hallway, and Charlie would always hear him talking about either Maya or Riley to Farkle in english. Something about Lucas never rubbed him the right way, but Riley trusted him - he always knew that the Texas Boy had to be good in someway. When he came up to him, though, Charlie wasn't ready to hold back. Sure, balloons and a disco ball were no white horse, but what happened after election day - nothing, and Charlie knew that of all things. He said words he didn't even remember as soon as they left his mouth. Most of everything was a blur, but as he went to pick up Yogi, he heard his whole history class cheer for him, and for now, he'd falter a smile and leave Riley to make her own decisions.

As he walked away, an overbearing humiliation filled him. Everyone he knew and most he didn't watched and knew prematurely about the event - yesterday was spent filling people's ears with about how excited for semi-formal he was, what they'd do before hand, pictures together, dancing together. Everyone had actually fell for the idea that they'd go for him, including him. Everyone told him affirmations along the lines of: " _What's she gonna say? No?_ "

Basically.

 **THIRTY-ONE HOURS AFTER:**

 _HUMILIATION_ _: The state or feeling of complete mortification or embarrassment; injury to one's self-esteem._

"Charlie, c'mon, if you don't get in the car, your father and I will be late for our date and _you_ will be late for the dance," Mrs. Gardner's voice filled the stairwell as Charlie sat on his bed with his hands folded, staring at his shoes. Since he had gotten home, he hadn't spoke, and his parents automatically knew that something - whatever it was - went completely wrong today; because ever since he was a kid, he was beating himself up for dreaming way too big.

He shook his head and tried to take deep breaths so that he could muster up the courage to go. He wanted to go, and hopefully, if she even ended up going, they could have a dance or he could sit with her or anything. Because he wasn't angry at her. He didn't expect her to fall into his arms at the drop of a banner. She wouldn't be able to move on from Lucas that quickly. He heard about the car wash, he knew that Lucas was the first person she ever liked; he couldn't rip that part of her away even if he wanted to. And with that, he mustered up the last of his pride, and swallowed it whole as he went down stairs and into his car; slamming the door in remorse.

The past day in school was… rough. He managed to wake himself up at 6AM just so that he could get to school an hour early. He told his parents it was to turn his history project in, but he knew that he had to avoid her. If he didn't, they'd share awkward conversations, awkward eye contact, and awkward goodbye's. So, for two hours, he slept in his english classroom while everyone who saw him pitied him as the poor-rejected-boy. He didn't mind, though. All that mattered was that he'd see her tonight, he'd get to talk to her, he'd figure something out with her. Usually, he'd move on, but with Riley, it was like he found the stars in her eyes, and he needed light in the darkness of night.

When he got there, the first person he saw was Lucas, and all the anger he prayed away on the car ride filled back up inside him. As great as Lucas was and as generous as he was when it came to help in Spanish, Charlie couldn't figure him out. Riley was always at the tip of his fingertips, she never held back when it came to him, so why was it so hard for him to act on it. Before he could even make the effort to hide behind someone else so that Lucas wouldn't see him, he called him over.

"Charlie - come here. Quick I gotta talk to you," Lucas motioned him over with one hand while looking at the gym entrance, as if he was waiting for someone. Charlie braced himself internally. He knew that Lucas was strong, he knew that he did something fucked up back from wherever the Hell he came from, so if he wanted to kill Charlie, well, everyone's time comes eventually. "Look," he began back up again, "I can clearly tell you like Riley, and I get it - she's the human equivalent to the sun. But I just want you to know that I was planning on going with her, I mean -"

"Lucas, I know. Alright, I know it all. She told me all about the subway rides, the white horse, and the car wash. Why are you so comfortable with this 'unofficial' thing? C'mon, you know Riley, you know that she likes fairy tales and she plans her life months in advance. You know that she has been looking forward to the semi-formal since she met you. Don't you think that you should do something for her just to take her to a dance?" Charlie asked Lucas without hesitation. He kept eye contact with him - something he always had to do whenever he was serious.

Lucas kept his head down at first and didn't say anything. "Look, of course I know her - she's one of my best friends and -"

"Do you even like her?" Charlie asked, sounding repulsed by their whole confrontation. He saw Lucas look away, but before he could say anything, Riley and Maya walked in together. He felt another burning in his chest.

Everything that happened is a complete blur in his memory. The second he saw Riley in her dress, he saw her as the sun again. There was no resentment because everything she said was a melody for him. All she ever wanted to do was please everyone, and it's almost impossible not to get messed up in a mess like that. All he could do was justify what he did for her, and hope for the best.

For the rest of the night, he watched her twirl and jump and laugh and smile with him, with Maya, with Lucas, with Farkle - with everyone because Charlie knew that Riley was one of the rare girls whose happiness truly stems from the idea of other people creating an atmosphere for her to thrive. He couldn't stay mad at her because he knew that she's always been focused on making everyone else happy; that way of life was meant to get scratched up somehow.

Charlie saw as Lucas moved from Riley to Maya - he heard his stutter, he heard their laugh, and he heard their banter. Looking back at Riley, her smile lighting up the room and she didn't lose eye contact, a lot that didn't make sense a day ago made sense in less than two seconds. It wasn't time for him to try to take Riley out - not yet. Maybe the gesture was right, but the time was wrong. Whatever it was, he was ready to take his time, even if that meant waiting another ten months.

 **SEVENTY-THREE HOURS AFTER:**

 _JUBILATION_ _: The state or feeling of exhilaration and euphoria after subsided long-term shame._

"This is the plan, look - I told her she didn't owe me anything, but I can't help but feel bad about everything. I planned on taking her and everything got messy. Maybe for a day or two I should just keep my distance. Don't wanna get upset about nothing, right?" Charlie was confident about what he was doing; it was clear in his voice that he had a clear cut image of the way he'd act.

"I don't know. I don't really care. You still owe me $20 for racing down the hallways in the skates," Yogi chimed in agitatedly. With a roll of his eyes, Charlie handed him a 20, and immediately realized that Yogi wasn't anywhere to be seen.

Of course, as soon as he goes to his locker, Riley follows up right behind him. Silently, she opens her locker, but something about her was different. She was antsy, and from the side of his eyes, he saw her look around nervously, as if she was just looking for something to say. A certain guilt filled inside of him, and just as she turned to say anything, he began first. "I meant it when I said you don't owe me anything. There's nothing to worry about, okay?" They were both silent, but Riley was doubtful - only for a moment. Though silent, she didn't stop staring straight at him. Charlie's true only weakness was his eyes; no matter how stoic, how strong, how unemotional he wanted to be, his eyes gave him away. He never needed a smile for you to know that he was happy. The greenness of his eyes could twinkle enough to give off it's own rays of light. They were not oceans, they were not fields, but they were signals and indicators of his life; his passion; his muse. That's why Riley was able to handle him; she always knew deep down what he was trying to convey to her.

Taking a deep breath and releasing a sigh, she shook her head. "I should've been honest, and I'll always apologize for that, but thanks for forgiving me, Charlie. It was just a bad situation to begin with."

Charlie didn't want to keep talking about the whole thing. He blamed himself, but then again, he wanted to take her. He didn't want her going alone. He knew that Lucas wasn't doing the right thing. It was too late to justify it all now. In an effort to just change the subject, he only asked the first thing that came to his mind, "Where'd your notebook go anyways?"

Riley immediately stood back a little as he said that - she didn't expect him to notice. "Oh, well, I actually - I got another one," Riley blushed a little as she slipped him a small glance of her new, clean, blue notebook. She smiled at him, but immediately seemed to be in a rush, "Well, I'm supposed to go bail Maya out of trouble with Janitor Harley and I haven't even practiced my fake alibi. See ya' around, Charlie." She smiled slowly before doing a turn away from him, once again to be swallowed by the sea of students.

Charlie could feel the heat rise into his cheeks as his closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. He was hopeful again - it's almost impossible to lose for him. Taking a deep breath, he flattened his blue flannel down his torso and grabbed his books for English, ready to start musing again.


End file.
